When I was in my teens and early twenties I’d ask myself if someone were to get pregnant for me, would she keep it? Lucky for me I never got anyone pregnant until I was in a mental position where I wanted a child. But I’m just the man. I give the seed to create the baby, but I don’t carry it or delivery it to the world. She does. So it’s a woman’s choice whether she wants to have a child or not. In today’s world of dysfunctional relationships, I’d be the first to tell any woman don’t have babies by anyone you’re not married or fully committed to. And I say there should be no exceptions to this at all. Some women have babies for the “trophy guy” who fits all of her categories of what she wants, but she only got pregnant from casual sex, not under the protection of a committed union or marriage. Truth is, she doesn’t know this guy and I couldn’t sit here and advice anyone to have children with someone they don’t know. But hey, I’m only speaking from doing this twice, with women I thought I knew.
So if a woman is pregnant and she doesn’t want a baby—why are we still having a baby? Simple. It’s usually one of these:
- She doesn’t believe in abortions.
- She thinks this might be one of her only opportunities to have a child because of her age.
- You’re a very good looking guy who is sure to produce beautiful children.
- You’re a man of high social or financial status who she believes her and the child can benefit from.
- She’s had one too many abortions and feels that if she has another one she won’t be able to conceive again
- She’s being socially pressured or guilt tripped into having the baby by family or religion.
- The guy wants to have a baby and is making threats of what he’ll do if she doesn’t have his baby.
These tend to be the primary reasons single women have babies and become reluctant mothers, even when they don’t want to have a baby. One of these seven usually jumps out and pushes her into having a child that in her heart of heart she doesn’t even really want to have. The guilt trip is the biggest persuader of them all. Especially if the woman is a church going woman who has “sinned against” God. I guess that means she should have a baby and become a mother to potentially fatherless child. People love to tell others what they should or shouldn’t do because it’s not them who have to deal with the consequences.
I don’t care how good of a woman or a girl she is, if she’s having a baby, but that’s not truly what she wants, motherhood is going to be a psychological struggle for her. And while she might get over it and adjust sooner than later, there’ll still be effects on her for having a child when she didn’t want to. The holy rollers who think this that these women will adjust and become great mothers need to STFU with that foolishness. A lot of times they never adjust to becoming mothers when they didn’t want to. Women shouldn’t have children if they’re not ready to be wives or mothers and if that goes against your religious preferences then you do what’s best for you.
The baby’s coming
I know what it looks like when a woman wants to have a baby. And I also know what it looks like when a woman’s having a baby she really doesn’t want to have. For one pregnancy it was, “I can’t wait to breastfeed you and be your mommy.” For another pregnancy it was, “Is four, six or eight months too late to change my mind?” She used to joke about it, but I knew there was something serious behind the jokes because after she realized I wasn’t going to marry just because she was pregnant, the abortion jokes were constant. In reality she didn’t want a child in the position that we were in and I couldn’t blame her.
I failed her because I should’ve told her as soon as she told me she was pregnant to count me out of this and notify the other guy it was him instead. I’m certain she would’ve done what was best for her on her own, but I was being delusional at the time. While I wasn’t sure I was the one who knocked her up, everything lined up to pin point me as the lucky sucker so I went with it! Ultimately she didn’t want a baby and I didn’t really want her as a co-parent either, but magically at the time she got pregnant she had this thing where she was trying to find God again; going to church again and allowing church to validate all the reasons she should have this baby when it was obvious (perhaps only to me) that she didn’t want a baby. Man, she had that baby and haven’t driven past the church since.
Years later, I don’t see any part of my analysis that is incorrect. She uses the child as a money bartering system. Even when I have the child more than she does, she wants me to pay for the inconveniences she experiences as a parent. In our regular arrangements, I have the child for about eight days and she’ll have him for the about six days before returning him to me. She’ll then call on the seventh or eighth day asking me to keep him longer. If I say no, it’s hell. If I say yes, she’ll call with an excuse every time it’s time to pick up. This is just one of the many different arrangements that we’ve had. In a past arrangement when she realized that I’m open and available to the child, she’ll have something to do at least two additional nights of the week where she needs to drop the child off to me. If I complain, she’ll withhold the child and tell me she can do it on her own… I was like how; when the child’s with me regularly three-four nights per week with extra hours where you are asking me to baby sit in between. The same person who only has the child 45% of the month will tell me that she raises the child on her own. How the f*ck does a woman in this position begin to believe she can do it on her own when she doesn’t even? That’s delusional, but these kinds of delusions are normal and accepted today.
The morale of the story
Beware of the reluctant bay mother. She has a baby just like anyone else, but it’s not what it looks like. She’s pissed she had a baby and even more pissed if the’s not getting her money. She loves her baby, no doubt, but she’d rather be doing something else than to be inconvenienced by a child. A lot of this is just my experience, but I know other men who have experienced similar scenarios. I personally believe it’s harder co-parenting with a woman who didn’t want a baby in the first place than the woman who wanted the child. People naively assume that just because a woman has a child it means she wanted to be a mother. You’d be surprised for how many women this is the case. Many of these women go through the parenting motion in a similar fashion as taught to them by their mothers and the influence of their environment. But following the status quo when it comes to single parenting is not a rewarding lifestyle for a child who may not get the benefit of two families coming together to raise and secure him/her.