“Papa was a rolling stone. Wherever he laid his hat was his home. And when he died…. All he left us was alone.” ~The Temptations 1973
Since the beginning of time underdeveloped men have been having sex with underdeveloped women only to leave the women and children. And because he left, he didn’t get to tell his story so someone else (usually the mother or her relatives) told his story and littered some lies in it about who he was. Some will say his story doesn’t matter because he wasn’t there, but hopefully by now we all know that this isn’t the truth. Every man’s story of triumph or loss has relevance to his children who never got the opportunity to know him. They need to know the truth of why he wasn’t there, not a rendition told by someone who hates him.
The missing man/father has a story that hasn’t been told accurately. The fact that there are forces out here right now that prefer for your children to grow up without their father or any positive manhood in their lives should show you that this isn’t a coincidence. All male children born are being targeted to become Chevy drivers, athletes, drug addicts, 9-5 job workers and a variety of other vacant, purposeless positions society needs filled in order to keep things the way they are now. By now this may seem like the normal for you, but how normal can it be that most boys won’t grow up to real and actual men? It’s time to look at the truth behind the missing man in today’s society. And missing also includes the men who are there, but aren’t really living their life. I promise you, after reading this you’ll never look at why your father (or anyone’s) left the same again.
If your papa was a rolling stone, understand this about him: wherever he laid his hat wasn’t his home. He was lost and miserable and had no one to help him figure out who he was at a time in his life when he needed direction in his life. A man who didn’t mature into manhood won’t value fatherhood or will be a father who endangers his children’s livelihood. When a man understands his role as a leader for his family, he can give the women and children balance with his presence. If your father wasn’t an actual musician on tour or someone who traveled for work, I can almost guarantee you that him not being around had more to do with his personal struggles in life, not him not wanting to be a father. In many cases he got caught up in a situation where he wasn’t capable of making the right decision for himself, so he made the wrong decision or worse, he made no decision and got lost in the wave. I’m aware that there are some men who just didn’t want children and left. Those men usually were the men who were just there for sex or someone she spent no extended time with before she accidentally got pregnancy. Be mad if you want, but careless casual sex leaves the door open for pregnancy and abandonment because there’s no relationship as a reference point. But more men suffered from one of these three things situations listed here than there are men who just disappeared without a trace. I’m pretty certain that if your father didn’t stick around that one of these three reasons is why your father left your mother.
My father left within six months after I born, but it wasn’t the typical runaway father scenario. Looking back, there’s no doubt he was suffering from confusion and indecision, but he wasn’t running away from me. He was in between three different countries and his initial plan was to bring myself and my mother with him back home. He clearly wanted better for us, but his approach to it is what’s questionable, not his actual intentions. He went to visit family in Florida, met a woman there and from all the recounts I’ve heard from my family, this new woman captivated him in a way that would forever change his life- not just in reference to me, but also in reference to his presence and role family. He’d be married to her (and not my mom) by the time I was one and that was effectively the end of any hope for a happily ever after story between my mother and him. But like I said, there had to be some confusion and indecision involved because he was never himself there after. But even though he left my mother and I high and dry, he wasn’t completely out of the picture. And my mother never said an ill word about him. That allowed me to actually be open to getting to know him and that process started when I was about five or six years old. It’ll lead to me coming to live with him when I was 10 years old and clearly, in order to do this I had no high level of resentment or hate for him because it was essentially my choice.
My story is different. I wouldn’t get to grow up and say how my father dipped out on me and my mom. That story wasn’t relevant for long because he eventually became the central figure in my upbringing. Everyone doesn’t get this, but it does happen. Men do leave and come back for their children. And some men who come back for their children get rejected by mothers who are still harboring resentment and hate from them leaving in the first place. We’ve come to accept this as a part of the process when it shouldn’t be. I have children of my own right now, whose mothers would put up every fight to keep me out of the children’s lives to protect their image as being the favorite parent. And this is with me being present.
1. He wasn’t a fully developed man
You won’t just go get a job and transform into a man because you’re expecting a baby. Many men of old have done this and for s it worked for them and they were able to raise a family with that woman. But if he does it to follow along with what society expects of him as a man then a breakdown is coming. It can happen when you’re 21 or 48 years old. When you’re 21 they say you’re young and foolish and when your 48 they’ll say you’re going through what they call a midlife crisis. But it’s actually your manhood calling you and telling you’re not on the right path and it’s begging you to be true to yourself. Because it’s such a conflicting thing, it disturbs your life and for many men they try to drown out the noise with the worst thing they can use- sex. So now a man who’s manhood is underdeveloped is taking out his frustrations in the bedroom on a woman who thinks that he loves her because he pays her so much attention. She now has expectations of him to remain this “crazy about her,” but he won’t because he needs to answer to his calling, but instead he’s distracted by constant sex and constant arguing. If he believes this is how things are supposed to be and becomes afraid of disappointing others, he will continue living a life that’s basically a lie until he either breaks down or runs away. As you can see, the runaway numbers have risen tremendously over the last 50 years and it’s not because men don’t want to be fathers, it’s because they became fathers before they became men.
To a lesser extent…
2. The women chased the father away
Too many men complain about women chasing them away from their children when in actuality it’s that they ran away from the women or pulled some unbelievable stunt to be chased off by her. Int hat case, she’s not chasing him off, she’s protecting herself and you can’t blame her. I’m going to break down for you real simply. Only two men get chased away: 1) the good guy and 2) the father who loves his children more than he loves their mother. The good guy gets chased away because a damaged or manipulative woman will use and abuse him until he can’t take anymore. But he’ll try to stick around and eventually she’ll bring a new, intimidating pseudo-man who seems stronger and more manly into the picture and the good guy finally realizes that’s its over. If he’s wise, he’ll go to court and get his child. If he’s smart, he’ll disconnect from her permanently forever. I advise men to do the wiser thing in order to protect their children.
The father who loves his children more than he loves their mother usually loves his children more than he loves anybody, including himself. He left the mother because she wasn’t who he wanted or he grew out of her, but he decided to be there in his children’s lives to be their father. He tends to think he’s doing the right thing by sticking around to be there for his children. But if the mother of his children is in a low place and is still looking for love, she’ll envy the love he gives to the children. Their relationship didn’t work out because he left her and she can’t stand to constantly see his face every time he picks up his child. She hates the fact that the child(ren) love him and she has no one to love her (because children don’t love mothers back the way they need love). This guy is the guy who gets drug through the child support drama, custody battles and the manipulative games that hurt women tend to use to inflict pain on a man who is still present in her and the children’s lives. If this guy doesn’t legally protect his ability to see his children, the women will run away with the child(ren), claiming this new place is better for her happiness when in actuality she’s moving in an attempt to disconnect him from his children, a big part of his happiness. This man is honorable for putting up with the BS, and many men have told me first hand that this was what their mother did to their father.
Let’s be real. The way relationships are these days, she’s not likely to be happy for another 10 or 20 years. His best bet is to legally ensure his position in his children’s lives or to exit without regard to anything but what’s in his best interest. I don’t care who you are, I’ll never wrong you for saving yourself from a situation that has the power to destroy you emotionally and/or financially, but if you must step away, step away with class and with clear intentions for what you want for your life. You can’t be running from one situation only to do the same thing again. Most dysfunctional men stay in dysfunctional situations or create new dysfunctional situations. If a man leaves his children’s lives because of a woman, he must do so keeping in mind that his children will want to know why he wasn’t there. At the end of the day, you can’t change your children’s mother if you don’t like her. You might represent so much pain to her that she’ll never stop hating you or trying to hurt you. Do what’s best for you because what’s best for you should also be what’s best for your children.
3. Self destruction
It’s very likely that your father self destruct because he was never given a fair chance at actually developing into a well rounded man. He either grew up without the guidance and protection of a father or saw his father get minimized and used by women and the world as a pawn, or a puppet. There’s also the segment of men who were given everything in life and used it to self-destruct, but that’s not the normal when it comes to the missing father. Not having a father creates a lot of anger and pain within men and some men become fathers without having dealt with this pain. If there’s no healing, it’s going to eat away at a man for years. The hate a boy feels for his father intensifies if his mother fuels his hate and anger for his father. Many men take this into manhood without ever having a heart to heart with their fathers. If your father wasn’t around because he self-destructed, take a lesson from him even if he didn’t teach it to you personally. Be who you need to be, say what you need to say, do what you need to do so you’re not suffering on the inside and risking your own break down and self destruction.
Many men, for the last 50 years, have been fed a particular brand of hyper-pseudo-masculinity that is designed to self destruct. This brand of masculinity is good for men who will become athletes, soldiers, workers and misfits. His life is another man’s experiment with law and order and labor. I’m just here to let you know that on top of that dosage of dysfunction that’s fed to us in our society, what matters firstly is your own experience with your own father and mother. What they do absolutely effects who you become. Maybe you never had either. But the men who came into manhood without direct help from their fathers can tell you first hand how much they struggled before finding peace and love within themselves. Self-destruction isn’t literal death. It’s living a life where your actions are direct contributions to your own demise due to your lack of hope and belief in yourself. Some of the most talented men in the world are engaged in self-destructive lifestyle practices that will prevent them from giving their gift to the world or their children. So many of these men somehow manage to became fathers through this struggle to find themselves and that’s whats wrong with today’s version of manhood. Today’s manhood says its OK to be dysfunctional, sad and unhealthy on the inside just as long as you look like a masculine man on the outside. It’s not working because men have lost control of themselves and subsequently aren’t even considered the leaders of their families anymore.
Having to “be a man” through depression, self hate, environmental struggles, a missing parent or unloving parents and poor nutrition is asking a boy to save the world with a spoon for his weapon. It’s not fair to set him up for failure in life and expect him to be a father to his children. “Man up” does not work in these cases. It hasn’t worked so people need to let go of telling totally dysfunctional people to do things that functional people struggle to do. If he can make it through all the road blocks set up for him to find himself then maybe he has a shot at finding himself and then transferring the happiness that comes with that down to his children. But many men self destruct at such a young age, have children and then just unravel in front of everyone in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. Everyone’s thinking it’s one thing, when it was actually everything. I’ve heard stories from men whose fathers did everything possible to end up back in jail. This is self-destruction at it’s finest. If your father self-destructed, no matter how ashamed you may feel, understand that there was more to it than what appears to the eyes. Most men just can’t and won’t communicate their issues well enough to get help before the burden the problem causes them to self destruct.
Fatherhood still finds itself subject to these very same pitfalls. Someone reading this might see that that they or their father self-destructed, but as long as you’re alive you have the ability to know yourself and follow your purpose. It’s never too late and you should never give a f*ck what others think if you have to change everything now. Be willing to make the ultimate sacrifice in your life to live the life you’re destined to live. Don’t allow yourself to be a prisoner to the expectations of anyone- not your parents, not your wife and not even your children. Men must begin to see what’s going on here. There’s a force out there that benefits from your failure and you should want to find out why this is. Why are things lined up against you? Who benefits when children grow up fatherless? (This is a bigger question than most people think.) What’s the politics behind all this?
Why did your father leave your mother?