Everyone has a different idea or opinion on what a “good man” is today, but good or bad, most men typically make the same mistakes when dating women. The Art of Slow Motion Dating is advice for men with good intentions highlighting the benefits of seriously pump the brakes and slowing things down when dating new women.
When I was coming up I hardly dated. What would happen is I’d meet women while out, talk to them on the phone a few times and invite them to my place for my first of a max three attempts to have sex with them. That’s why I really don’t consider that dating, even though some people will call it dating. And I don’t call it dating if I happened to take her out once, had sex, continued to have sex, but never took her out again. I don’t even know what to call it (probably just f*cking). Sex usually happened within the first three meetings. If I enjoyed her then it’ll last up to three months and then things would wind down as they always do when you’re having sex with temporary people. Only if she was very good looking and not too clingy would I continue the “relationship” for a few months longer while also weighing my options with other women. I thought this was normal for my pedigree. I was in my late teens to mid twenties at the time and while this was a norm for me, I also managed to have a few meaningful relationships with women I actually valued for more than just sex.
You should date to marry
Most men got it wrong from the very beginning about dating and relationships because we weren’t taught correctly. In the beginning we’re all looking for a very attractive woman to show off to our friends and our family. The more attractive she is, the more inclined a man would be to spend more time getting to know her and money on dating expenses. He’d also be perfectly fine waiting longer for sex if she’s really attractive (7.5 and above). Every man should naturally seek the most attractive woman, but he’s headed for sudden death if he’s looking a woman believes her greatest gifts are her good looks. Men of distinction marry women who are as devoted as they are beautiful.
I hate to break it to some of the guys who hit their stride later on in life and are just now getting the p*ssy they didn’t get in their teenage years or early twenties, but today’s dating pool sucks and how bad it sucks depends heavily on where you live and what kind of social circle you’re in. Most of the good guys, aren’t necessarily popular and end up dating women who haven’t previously “heard” about them so the women are somewhat standoffish b/c you’re not very well known in her social circle. If you can go about it the way I recommend it, these dating scenarios may be where you learn to get loose. If you know your worth, you won’t waste time trying impress shallow women, you’ll just be yourself and either attract her if she’s your type or repel her if she’s not for you. But you don’t waste time entertaining her just because she’s cute.
But all men, not just the so called good men, need to date to marry. This is perhaps not what the average guy has been taught, but it’s necessary to teach yourself this, especially as you get older. It benefits you tremendously because dating to marry requires a whole different mentality on women and dating. It also requires a boss mentality- which means you must be confident in yourself and be able to back it up with tangible actions.
Here’s the thing, though: a great majority of the women on the regular dating block aren’t in it for marriage either. They’re mostly in it to boost their self-esteem; they want to be admired, they want someone to spend money on them and they like the attention of thirsty men who will jump off of a cliff just to be seen next to them. If she’s a really attractive lady, chances are that every date she goes on, the guy is drooling over her. She then develops this superiority complex as she accepts chivalry, good conversations and gifts from men she has no intentions on being with. Sh*t, if she’s a single parent household product then there’s a 72% chance that she’s not dating for marriage nor does she even understand the concept of marrying a good man who will lead. This is what you get in the typical dating pool. And lets not talk about the extreme superficiality of those dating sites that everyone is on these days. You’ll be hard pressed to find one real person out of every 10 dates. And if you’re not A1 good looking on your profile picture and in real life, then it’s a wash. Dating to marry is upgrading your standards from this kind of dating scenario. By the second or third date you should be able to say marriage is what you want without feeling like you’re scaring her off. If it does scare her off then good job; wife caliber women are waiting for qualified men to talk marriage to them.
What is a good man?
A good man performs well at taking care of himself and reflects that unto others by treating them the same. That’s it. He’s not perfect nor is he defined by money, his looks or his social status. He’s a good guy because he can maintain and improve himself while accomplishing his goals in life. You gotta be good to your damn self first before you can be good to anyone else. Many men know how to be good to women, but not themselves. A lot of guys (and women) think that being a good man is based on how a man treats women. But how you treat women is only a reflection of how you feel about yourself and how you treat yourself. You can try, but it’s impossible to treat someone better than you treat yourself without neglecting yourself. I’ve seen many so called good men treat women like the Queen of England, but run themselves into the ground in that process. This doesn’t hold up for very long. A good man knows how to take care of himself and treats himself like a top priority. Good men must be inclined to move slowly as to exemplify why they are worth it.
Why slow motion dating?
Your most valuable asset in life is the time and energy you give to yourself and others. A lot of men who are capable of taking a lady out and showing her a good time are thirsty for the attention of women. He’ll no doubt be peacocking if he has money or nice material things to show. The Bible say, “It’s not good for man to be alone” so I’ll never knock any man who doesn’t want to be alone. But you gotta play it safe out here today with who you share your energy with. If you’re not perceptible, you’ll be dating the representative and get so caught up in her looks, her sweet aroma or her laughing at your corny ass jokes that you forget to ask her any real questions that will allow for you to get to know her better. If she got you where she wants you after a few dates, then she’ll throw you some ass for being a good sport. And what do most men do? They take the ass and hope for the best. That’s when you’ve lost in the game b/c premature sex is like a signing a lucrative contract with a hurt athlete. The athlete may recover and have the best season throughout the contract life or the injury prevents him from fulfilling his side of the contract. Premature sex can lock you into dealing with someone and their BS that you don’t even know if you want to be around. The best course of action is to avoid sex until you marry.
The purpose of moving slowly is to prevent making mistakes like spending too much time too early, introducing her to friends and family prematurely, having sex prematurely and buying and receiving gifts. You might think all this is cool, but there’s levels to moving slowly. We live in a feminist society. Women give up the butt with much less hassle than they did 4o years ago because they too are sexually overstimulated. Many men are wrongly under the idea that if she has sex with you then half the work is done. They’re so wrong. Sex means less today and the sooner a woman has sex with you, the less you tend to care about the details. After all, if you’re having sex then you should know her well enough to know that she was molested at 13 by her mother’s boyfriend and ever since then she’s been looking for love in all the wrong places. You should definitely know information like this before you have sex with her, but most men aren’t asking these questions. What if she’s 22 years old and you’re number 37 on her body count and you don’t find out until after you’ve been with her four months and you’re finally starting to like her? This is all stuff you need to know or have an idea of before you put your penis in the moist box. If you don’t do your homework, you can’t expect to the ace the test. The test is to be able know her well enough so you can decide whether she can be the wife you need or whether you should peel off on her.
I know tight clothing and sweet perfume has its way of making a man forget his last name, but that’s the point of it, so gird your loins and don’t fall for it. Don’t get lured in and begin invest heavily in her while she waits months or years to let you know that she’s damaged goods with no good intentions for you. After reading my book, that would never be you because you are interested in actually getting to know her. Many good men have played out this very same scenario I speak of and when they finally find out she needs healing they can’t provide, it’s too late- she now has your nappy headed baby and as soon as she senses that you might leave her to look like the single mom she never wanted to become, the games begin. You say to yourself, “but I’m a good guy, I don’t deserve this sh*t.” But here are a lot of dumb ass good guys who didn’t learn the rules of the game before they got involved and if that’s you, just remember ignorance doesn’t make you innocent. Free and easy puzzy usually indicates some problems or low standards on her behalf or yours. If you smash early, don’t think its your good looks or good game. Its more likely to be her broken heart and broken parts.
I say move slowly because you lose value when you move fast. Even a woman with a broken heart and broken parts can be healed. It’s just a matter of whether or not you’re the God for the job.
The God for the job knows himself and has the tools needed to love a woman who has been damaged. I’m not saying that that’s every man’s role, though. You might marry your childhood female friend who’s a virgin. I wish you whatever you want, but in today’s dating pool many women have had traumatic experiences with men and you need to be mindful of these women. The God for the job has the knowledge and discipline to resist the lures of an attractive woman.
A well taught man understands his importance to his woman and children and knows that it’s risky business to sleep with a woman he doesn’t know or intend on marrying. With one out of every four women experiencing some form of sexual abuse, it’s very risky businesses to get involved with a woman who isn’t healed, or even worse, unwilling to be vulnerable. And these pains don’t have to be sexual abuse. It could be verbal abuse from her mother or just life growing up without a father. We all hurt in different ways and men must have a sense of the kind of hurt the woman he is courting has experienced.
Haste makes waste
No matter how good of a deal it may seem to be, if sex and attachment is happening before you’ve done a thorough background check on her, then you’re headed for self destruction. A thorough background check is simply taking your time to ask questions and get to know the woman for God sake. Men, we do such a piss poor job at asking sequential questions. Too many guys are afraid to ask key questions because they don’t want to make their pretty little dates feel uncomfortable. If by the second or third date you can’t have revealing conversations that allow for you both the get to know each other, then you should consider ending the courting process.
There’s so much you can learn about a woman in just the first date if you know how to ask timely placed questions that encourage honesty. You can ask a question that would have her share a piece of her life story with you without it feeling like a tough question. If you like the responses, you keep on dating her.
Man: So where are you from
Lady: I’m born and raised in Miami
What most men say next:
Man: Miami is nice! The weather is always nice there. They had the hottest team when Lebron James was there. I’d love to visit someday.
Lady: Yes! Miami is nice. I don’t know about nice weather, unless you think hot all year round is nice weather. Miami was so hype when Lebron was there. We won it all twice. I like the weather here better because at least we get all four seasons here.
This is good conversation. But most men move on to another subject when you can get more valuable information about her if you go deeper into this one question.
Here’s an example:
Man: So what was life like where you grew up in Miami? Did you grow up by the beach or around by where Rick Ross talks about?
The answer to this question can give a man valuable insight on her life and how she grew up. She may also sugar coat where she’s from if it wasn’t from the nicest of communities.
Lady: Your’e funny! When I go home to visit I always go to the beach, but I actually didn’t go to the beach much growing up. There are a lot of wealthy people who live by the beaches, but my family wasn’t one of them. I grew up in Miami Gardens. It’s not exactly Chicago with all the murders, but crime and drugs was something to be on alert for when I was young. I didn’t have time for all that, though. My mom kept us busy in the church.
So look what you’ve uncovered:
- She’s seen a lot from her neighborhood and even though she’s all cute and speaks good English, you will still need to know how what she witnessed and experienced growing up in her neighborhood has impacted her
- You now know she didn’t grow up wealthy
- You know she probably can’t swim
- You know that she knows a few guys who were into crime and drugs
- You know she goes to church (so she’s probably a freak).
- You know her mother was likely the leader of the household because she was the one commanding her to go to church
These things matter to us all. And they matter even more to young women who grew up in single parent households in working class communities. I know women who grew up in neighborhoods around wolves, but never got involved in any of the substandard behaviors that often plague our communities. You never know who she is until you ask a few key questions. It doesn’t have to be an FBI interrogation. And once you get a little intel like this, you can carefully place related questions either right then or on another date, at another time.
Take your time
Men must get used to being the ones who are eager to find out more about the women they’re dating so they can be completely sure that this is someone they want to continue seeing. The reason for this is there is a premium on your time. You can’t just see a lady you like, go out with her once and start texting and talking to her night and day. If you do, it just means you’re thirsty and don’t have much to do. It also means that you’re likely neglecting what you really need to be doing to give time to her. If you move too fast she won’t value your time. She’ll take that as a sign that you’re open and easily available. And even if she likes you a lot, she’ll hesitate on you because look how easily she became the number one priority in your life. No woman should get that status. Your purpose and your vision for yourself is more important than any relationship you’ll have before accomplishing it. As a man matures, he also realizes that the woman in his life can serve as motivation to fulfill his purpose or she can be a distraction that keeps hims too occupied to pursue his vision. No man should allow himself to be this, no matter how good the sex is or the possibilities for the future.
There are no fairy tale endings for men who lack sexual discipline with women. If you can’t learn how to converse with a woman over a sustained period of time, your discipline will fail you and result in magnified problems from that lack of discipline. What you are looking for in life must be bigger than you, thus being worth the sacrifice. This is the reason you must take this break to focus on how you will execute your life to ensure that you live your life’s purpose before marriage and children. Your life must be self driven way before the beautiful woman appears.
Your ambitions, your training and your discipline will guide you to where you must be in life and if you prematurely find a woman and she is willing to wait on you, then she will wait for you as you go after your dreams with hopes of returning to marry her and start a family. You may not go anywhere, as long as you go take care of business so you’re in a position to manage, lead, provide and protect for a woman and children. These are the rewards of putting yourself first and moving slowly in courtship. It’s a win-win if you do it right.
Your thoughts: Have you had more success in relationships moving fast or slowly?
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