When I became a statistic, I mean a single father (as in unmarried), I was stupid enough to think that everything would just be OK if I was loving to my children and foot at least half of the expenses. But I was pretty broke when I had my first. All I had was a house the mother could live in expense free, a vehicle for her to drive and other resources I made available to her b/c I’m pretty connected. I didn’t have the cash money that many women feel they need. In typical single parent fashion, the relationship fell apart. I can’t blame her for that part. I blame myself. I was 27; old enough to have learned from others who went this route before me, but still naïve enough to think I could avoid the drama that comes with a woman you don’t know very well having a child for you.
When you come from an environment that promotes singularity rather than marriage and love, male or female, you can act like you know how to be in love and coexist with your partner, but you don’t. People front all day about who they think they are and when someone comes into their life to shine a mirror to their behaviors, what do they do? They run and hide from the truth because it hurts. There’s this sense of entitlement that both single parents develop that makes them feel like they’re above reproach and it’s quite foolish. Women tend to be the ones, who over time, feel like they’re the ones you can do no wrong because they are, “the mother of your child.”
Why do I say single fatherhood is a trap?
That’s easy. It’s a trap if you make a great income. It’s a trap if you don’t make a good income. It’s a trap if the state you live in doesn’t enforce father’s rights. It’s a trap if your life isn’t dedicated to your success already. It’s a trap if you’re going to be on child support. It’s a trap if the woman only wanted a baby and would rather remain single for state benefits. It’s a trap you and the mother are from completely different worlds and you disagree. It’s a trap if one or both of you aren’t mature enough to handle your new reality. It’s a trap if you have a big heart and you care too much. That part is a major key- even though having a big heart doesn’t mean you know how to love a woman the way she needs it, what it does mean is that you’re willing to help her when perhaps you don’t have to. What it does mean is that you care about your child and the mother, too; you want the best for the mom even if it hurts that you two won’t be together. Many women will play that for all they can if they feel hurt or neglected because it’s like today’s society of women are wired to believe that if they’re not married to who they have a child for, then it’s their child (and the state’s).
The truth is, though, that all of single parenthood is a trap and I think most single parents know this by now. Society cons women into thinking that they have what it takes to raise children on their own when they truly don’t. I’m not arrogant enough to think I could raise my children without their mothers and I’m excellent with my children. I feel I could definitely, easily be the primary custodial parent, but to want to do it on my own without them all together- even as much as I’ve disliked them in the past, that’s just flat out narcissistic and dysfunctional. I wouldn’t want that for myself nor my children. I know a few single fathers who want to do it all by themselves because the mother is such a pain to deal with, but not I. At least not while I’m single and unmarried I don’t.
Caring too much will get you caught up
Don’t get it twisted, I care a lot now and have cared too much in the past, too. But there’s levels to caring. I delivered the babies, changed diapers, woke up in the middle of the night; all that fly sh*t. I did it because I care and I know how to care. But I also did it b/c there wasn’t anyone else to help us out. If I had grandma in the house or even my mother in the house to help us out with the baby, I could’ve spent more time getting my sh*t together because most men who have children single don’t. This is the real crime: a man having relations with a woman before he has placed himself in a position to love and care for her and a child. It’s the way things are these days b/c feminism has made p*ssy more accessible to men with low cash flow and no intentions of marriage. But I didn’t have my stuff together and shamefully, I wasn’t aware that I didn’t. I was chasing new dreams and I got a woman pregnant who, while I knew her from the past, I really didn’t know her well enough to be knocking her up. She was pretty and I was thinking with my boneless head.
I cared too much because I wanted sh*t to look good on the outside like most jaded people in these situations do. I cared too much also because I didn’t want her to up and leave with the child like she had threatened to. That’s where men get manipulated in these situations. The suckers who get women pregnant and tell them to f*ck off and disappear don’t care so the women move on faster without having to be concerned about the father’s rights. But when you care and you want desperately to be involved in your child’s life, that’s when a woman who is unhappy and/or feels rejected may begin to play her manipulative cards on you. It’s even worse when she wanted a baby and not a man, but string you along because you care and you’ll pay. Because you care can be the reason she has a new car or doesn’t have to work. Because you care can lead to a host of other shenanigans that women easily play just because they can. In my case, it just never occurred to me then that some women of single mothers tend to subconsciously perpetuate the environment they grew up in, no matter how much they say they want a man or want to be married. Initially my thought was, “but she wouldn’t want our child to grow up without a father like she did.’ But hey! That’s all she knew! I ain’t tripping; it is what it is now. You can’t save your child from their parent, especially not their mother. And court orders don’t always stop an angry woman from f*cking with you.
The reality of the trap
There are just too many cards going against single fathers in America so my advice is to guard your sperm and be extremely selective about who you lay with. If you’re tall, dark and handsome guard your damn sperm! That’s real science that most people won’t consider as a part of the makeup of men and women today. For some women, it’s not about helping you build or being a family together because that’s not a part of some of their social conditioning. And I say some because I know it’s not all women. Like I said before, how in the world do you expect to be with someone who doesn’t know how to be with someone? Not to mention that many men themselves come from the same social conditioning that makes them more prone to have children with women they themselves aren’t capable of giving love to or even being there for. For many black men and women, this is a part of the social programming embedded in the black community primarily over the last 50 years.
If you don’t have a firm understanding of who you are and where you’re going in life, these situations can break you badly. If you’ve already had children in these situations, taking a break from the relationships to focus on healing and bettering yourself is the only thing that can help you. It’s 2016 and all women don’t necessarily know what they want, but they do want love and someone they feel can provide the security they need. Some of the baby mama drama can be prevented if men were in a better position to begin with. And there are women out there that will help you if you’re motivated about making changes in your life. However, that doesn’t mean that there won’t be problems in the relationship. You can’t take babies back once they’re here and if you care, you’ll no doubt have a soft spot for your child and the mother. But it’s a soft spot that can be manipulated if you’re not standing firmly on your square as a man. If you chose the wrong woman then you can’t escape some of the games. What will help you the most is holding yourself accountable for getting yourself in this situation in the first place so you don’t get all depressed and start blaming her or the world. The damage is already done and you’re already in the trap house with her. Don’t spin your wheels trying to make her happy because chances are she’s never been happy and doesn’t know what it looks like. Children don’t make women happy even though it seems like that for the first few months. Her happiness is a part of her personal journey. Don’t allow petty games to occupy your mind space. If you know you had a child with a woman when you yourself didn’t have your stuff together, you’ve got one thing to do- get it together and become the man your children will look up to regardless of what games their mother will play.
It’s important to hold yourself accountable for putting your penis in the wrong hole because if you learn your lesson soon enough, you can make better decisions on where to put in next time. Most dysfunctional relationships are rooted in disagreement and men shouldn’t even be dating women they disagree with, much less getting them pregnant. Whether you know it or not, if you’re a high value, high status man, women will want to be with you and they’ll also want children. They’re wired that way. But if you have children with a fly by night woman who only wanted a baby, her livelihood may depend on child support and state benefits, which usually means you’ll get pushed out of the picture somehow. But you’ll get pushed out of the picture with any woman who you screwed that only wanted a child from you. And a bitter woman who feels rejected will also attempt to push you out of the picture. A lot of men end up pushing women out of the picture, too because they’re not ready. When she moves on other men will come into the picture and you’re going to have to accept this, especially if you chose not to be with her. If she’s not mentally or spiritually healthy, the men she attracts won’t be healthy either and this will become a major concern for a man who cares about the influence around his child/children. But by then it’s too late. If she’s unfit and you’ve got the money, get to the courts and get your child to the safety of your own home. Otherwise, maybe prayer and meditation can help.