Baby mama drama (or ex wife drama for the upper crest) is like the most cliche of situations that men end up in when they attempt to have relationships before they know their purpose in life. It’s easy to point fingers at the woman these days because they seemingly yield so much power when they have children for you out of “wedlock,” but these days I tend to believe that it’s all in how you view power. If you know how to protect your best interest when you have children with women you won’t marry, you can manage your involvement in your children’s lives instead of being alienated due to your own financial shortcomings or a disgruntled mother.
The advantage can go to the man if he’s prepared. But most men aren’t, especially if it’s their first child. Many men in this situation may not want to deal with the situation at all because of strong feelings of resentment towards the mother. There are also men under the illusion that because your child’s mother didn’t have a father around that she’s going to automatically want you around. That’s wishful thinking at best. Many fatherless women have anti-father behaviors embedded within them that they are completely unaware of. Men shouldn’t allow themselves to get caught up in trying to prove their worth as a father to a woman who doesn’t understand the significance of a father outside of his monetary value.. This is normalized dysfunction and women are getting away with being able to consider this normal behavior.
I know many men who share equal parental time with their children and/or care for their children exclusively. It’s not easy to do on your own as a working man, but it’s just as doable for a man as it is for a single parent mother. Single fathers will also move on better and faster than single mothers b/c most men want to use single mothers for sex. Men with children must consider that the woman he needs moving forward must be able to help him raise his existing children or else it just won’t work. You’re not exactly single anymore when you have children. With help from your family/community and the right partner, making adequate room for your children should become second nature.
If you’re familiar with my book Heart On Break, I say take a break from relationships to work on your purpose in life. But if you already have children and you must deal with the likes of your children’s mother(s), please understand that this is a delicate road to walk with any woman. She is likely to be disappointed that the relationship didn’t work out between you two and she may even feel the need to manipulate or vindicate herself if you left her against her desires or on bad terms. In today’s world of women’s empowerment, the potential of these games come with the package, even if it means that some fathers are cast aside by angry mothers. Do what you must to be the father you need to be to children, but unfortunately for many young single fathers, they had children before they knew themselves and it’s critical to know yourself as a man because that knowledge of self is what a man passes on to his children.
Be a father, not her baby’s daddy
Fathers must be in the lives of their children and they need be healthy fathers to have the most valuable impact. I advocate for men to take time out to know themselves and pursue their purpose beforehand so they don’t infect their children with feelings of unfulfillment. This is seriously a disease that in many cases I can’t blame a woman for separating herself from. Women should learn how to spot this in men and choose not to engage with men who don’t have a plan for their life. Sometimes men have children, but may still need to be single and unattached in order to find purpose and knowledge of self to fuel him towards his path in life.
Women tend to think that men will all go on and have more children with other women while they must cherish every pregnancy and every birth because they can’t have children forever. That may be true, but I think that thought process uses men as tools to have children they want to raise without the father. People talk about all the patriarchy that’s created so much chaos, but if it were a real patriarchy then more men will be owning and living off the land and passing that knowledge and land to their offspring. Instead more women are having children thinking if the father leaves then she’ll use the resources of many men to raise children. The children are raised primarily by women and media influence with the rare occasion where a single mom finds a healthy and loving partner who she stays with indefinitely. By now it should be clear to all that this hasn’t worked out for the generation of youth who grew up like this. Fatherhood is damn near lost. The boys who grow up to be the fathers of children they never raise can probably tell you about their absent fathers and loving mothers.
Children get used as pawns
Many unsuspecting men will come to realize that if you care too much, your children will be used against you as a pawn (See my blog post Why Single Fatherhood is a Trap). Sure, a mature woman wouldn’t do that. But would she? What constitutes mature when someone feels hurt? Do we have enough compassion for each other to not use something or someone we love as pawn to get what we want or hurt the other person? The hard lesson to learn today is that children will easily be used as pawns for a mother or a father’s game of revenge. Men and women are so disillusioned about love that they feel that it’s a natural course of action to tear their exes a part as soon as the relationship no longer gives them what they want. I’ve been there, unfortunately. It’s a sad and ugly road when you see it coming ahead, but are not skilled enough to avoid it. It’s important to free yourself from these chaotic relationships. If you have to disconnect, do so to keep yourself from going off the edge.
Love baby mamas from a distance
If you had children with her it’s senseless to hate her even if you think you hate her. It takes courage to love her after the relationship is over, especially if you never really loved her in the first place. It’ll be hard to have any love for her if she’s the type who has been trifling and petty towards you and/or others. But the mindset it takes to have love for her instead of hate or resentment is a powerful mindset to have as a man. Your ability to do that is what’s going to take you to God status.
Many of the women having our children these days don’t get to experience true and unconditional love from the men they have had relationships with. Many never received unconditional love at home in their upbringing. A large of amount of men and women were raised by parents who themselves were hurt by the systematic torment that the “everyday man” has to face in America and the world over. We’re raised to live in so much fear that we fear the pleasure of being loved. Men who move on from relationships that include children must be able to find love within themselves in order to give love to their children and their mothers. That’s high level science that makes a powerful impact on how a woman feels about you. She needs to know that you wish her well in life so it would be wise to learn how to communicate that to her because it helps build long term trust.
Single mother mentalities
Most women today can’t count on a man who can cover all the bills without her help, so she’s very concerned about her own bills because you and her may not even live together. Do what you have to do to earn what you need to earn to take care of yourself and your responsibilities, but know that some women want you to subsidize their life and will still keep you away from the child because they’re still hurt or it’s a game to them.
The way things are today, a woman has the power to sideline a father, collect state ordered child support from him and seek for another man who will take care of her and give to the child as well. I’m not saying this new guy is a sucker, but I must admit that she’s got the game on lock if this is how she moves. If she finds another man, that’s another father or supporter. In indigenous cultures where matriarchy was more established, having more co-fathers for a child increased the odds of survival for a child. The thing with the modern matriarchy is that is has little regard for the father outside of his financial contributions. This is not how actual matriarchies regarded their men. The feminists got the disrespectful part wrong. In actuality, matriarchy shows how important the man’s role is to the women and children. If it weren’t for the lifestyle of men who travel via trade routes, these matriarchal communities would be different and reflect more of the gender relations of hunter gatherers where the men were always present in the lives of the women and the children. They didn’t go hunting 8 hours a day like men of today go to “work” for 8-10 hours everyday. Men were present.
Knowing your rights as a father
It’s still a man’s world, just a man with money’s world. If you’ve got the money and the credentials, you can get just about any arrangement you want. You may not escape from child support, but if you’re dealing with a hurt woman, you may need court ordered time sharing to make sure she doesn’t play games with the time you spend with your child. If she’s an unfit mother who can’t get it together, you’ll need to take charge. Be a man and choose to raise your child if the mother is unfit. It’s not unusual to be this man if you need to be. You have to make some women respect a father’s rights.
Men are more likely to find a new woman who willingly helps raise their children than women are to do the same. Unless she’s extremely hot. But even in that case men will come along with hopes for sex because many men stereotype single mothers as the ones with the best sex. If your baby’s mother is charming or good looking many men will sign up to be your child’s step dad. If he’s a good guy who loves her you should support it because single moms don’t move on that easily. You’re always going to be needed if you’re a good father so never allow a woman to displace you from your child’s life. Children have a stronger need for their father as they grow older and many women are convinced that their role as mother is cemented because of birthing, breastfeeding and nurturing during the early stages of a child’s life. Unfortunately ladies, that child will need his father beyond those early years. At the same time, I also say men shouldn’t stick around in any woman’s life who is committed to making life difficult for them. The child needs you, not the other way around. If she’s determined to cause problems, then you may have to stay away from her all together until she calms down or is legally bounded to calm down.
Men must evolve to become very wise about the women they choose to be with. When a man has knowledge of self and purpose, choosing a woman will become an easier process. You must know what lifestyle you want to live so that way your partner knows what you want and can agree that she wants what you want, too. There’s no need to be having sex with strange women who don’t have anything in common with you. There’s equally no need to have children with women who don’t understand the value of a husband and a father. Women follow the lead of a man or the state/jobs; whoever has the most power to provide her with a better quality of life. If you’re that person, all you have to do is set the standard of which you will do that and do it.
Most men want to have a better relationship with your child’s mother(s), but you’ve got to take full control of your life first!